


Racing Against Time

by jvngfs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Epistolary, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:21:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin and Sehun write to each other for years until they realize that letters can't really act as a substitute for reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Racing Against Time

**Author's Note:**

> Initially written for the Maknae Rulez fic fest.

"I'll write you from every transient address I'll have," Sehun promises Jongin, pinky fingers locked and eyes watery. Jongin tries his best not to show that he is affected because he knows it's hard on Sehun to leave too. They basically grew up together and naively, childishly, thought that it would stay that way forever. It turned out differently as Sehun's dad got a new job around a month ago - something about wind power, something Jongin doesn't really understand - and decided to move away. 

Because of that, Jongin hates Sehun's dad as he is taking away his only friend but he hates Sehun even more for being so sad and dramatic about it. If Sehun is sad, it means Jongin is sad too because Sehun never cries for nothing. He didn't cry when he broke his elbow after falling off a tree. He didn't cry when he got scolded in school because he didn't do his exercises. But now he is looking at Jongin, his hand as cold as the tears rolling down his chubby cheeks and Jongin can't do anything about it.

 

   
The first letter Sehun ever writes him is wrapped in a plain envelop and doesn't have anything especially interesting inside. Sehun rambles about his new house - which is "big and shiny and surrounded by a huge garden with a swing" - and complains that his first day at school was a "total waste of time" but he liked it nonetheless because the other boys were "totally cool and play soccer better than Kyungsoo". Jongin doesn't like to think that Sehun has more fun away from him and that he already adapted to his new life. He answers a bit coldly and lies that Kyungsoo has gotten much better at soccer than what he used to be.

Jongin isn't that thrilled by the mail at first, thinking that it's just stupid when they can call or e-mail each other, but soon, he realizes that reading Sehun's always changing addresses on the paper, made of names evoking places promising beauty and exoticism, is way better than a few words exchanged over the phone. Sehun isn't that good at writing but he manages to pass through his feelings and adventures and Jongin starts to expect Sehun's letters with much more excitement than anything else. 

In November, during the first year since he left, he writes words filled with hope and nostalgia. Jongin can't totally grasp it yet because he isn't used to such defined emotions but the letter brings an unusual tickling to his belly.

_"It's already cold here but I bet that it's sunny where you are. I'm so envious of you as winter always comes late back at home. I miss home so much and you know how much I hate when it's cold. Anyways, I went to the mart with my mother this week-end and she bought me an awesome gun. I'll show it to you when we meet again - you're going to love it."_

In March, Sehun's letters have become more comfortable, less formal. Jongin loathes as much as he loves to read about Sehun's daily life, as it keeps him aware of what Sehun is doing but reminds him of how far they are from each other.

_"I got suspended in school because I hit one guy with a ruler. I swear he deserved it! He was being annoying and kept kicking my seat from behind. He wouldn't have done it if we were together but since I was alone he thought he could be careless. My parents were really pissed - as you can imagine - but I got to spend three days at home so I think it was worth it."_

Jongin smiles and thinks of how he would have skipped school to stay with Sehun if he was still there.

In June, Jongin cries out of disappointment and frustration. It has already been a year since they last saw each other and Jongin can't comply with the idea of missing out on Sehun's life, of being the friend he writes to but not the friend he laughs and plays games with. 

_"I'm sorry but I don't think I can come back home this summer. My dad says we are going to move again because he got a new job and we won't visit. I'll write you from there too. And I'll visit next year. I swear. As an apology, I'll tell you in detail everything I will do this summer. Do the same so we can share our stories."_

Jongin doesn't have any stories to share, because Jongin stays at home during summer, sometimes goes out to play soccer with Kyungsoo, sometimes stays in his house getting lobotomized by stupid TV shows but he doesn't do anything worth telling. He doesn't have someone to do things worth telling anymore. It hurts, triggering his envy and jealousy, to read about Sehun enjoying himself without him with his new friends. 

He wonders if Sehun is going to write to his new friends too but then decides to erase that thought from his head. Sehun wouldn't do that. Sehun is his best and only friend.

They have been friends since forever, as long as Jongin's memory goes, so when Sehun leaves, Jongin is lost on what he's going to do now. At first he only thinks about how he doesn't have a friend to play with anymore but as the days go by, he realizes that Sehun left an empty spot that can't be filled by any others kids. Jongin misses Sehun and Jongin is sad. And the sadness won't leave.

He complains to his parents that life isn't fair and when his mother tells him that as time goes on he will meet new friends too, Jongin retorts he doesn't want anyone to replace Sehun. He doesn't need anyone else. Nobody will ever be as good, as funny and as understanding as Sehun. Jongin is still young but he already knows that there isn't anyone in this world who could compete with Sehun. 

Sehun is so unique, so singular and yet is everything Jongin likes. For example, he never gets tired of Jongin's whims. He doesn't get angry when he laments that he is lying when he says he will come back. He doesn't tell him that he is stupid for being always whiny. And most importantly, he doesn't stop writing. He writes every once in a month, sometimes every weeks when he has a lot to tell, every two months when nothing interesting is happening, but he writes. And soon, the letters become the most important thing in Jongin's life, the thing he is hanging onto.

 

–

 

It has been three years since Sehun left and he still hasn't come back. Memories of Sehun's face are slowly fading out; clear images are turning into blurred ones and Jongin is loosing hope. They still mail each other and Sehun has already resided in more countries than Jongin will ever visit in his life. 

They aren't kids anymore and Jongin made few friends - none as good as Sehun - but friends to hang out with. 

Around that time, Jongin starts to realize how much they changed without even seeing it happen. Maybe it's the distance, maybe it's their personalities but Jongin doesn't find much interest in the people around him while Sehun seems to bloom where he is. And Sehun is oblivious of Jongin's misery.

_"What do you mean you rejected her she asked you out? I think you should accept, Jongin. You don't know when someone is going to ask again. Besides I saw her on the pictures you send me, she's pretty._  
You made me think that I should get a girlfriend too. It's hard when I keep moving around but I don't think I'm that ugly so it should be possible.   
If you do accept her, you have to tell me everything, okay? From your dates to your first kiss to the jokes you share. (I'm almost jealous.)  
I hope I can come back this year so you can introduce me. 

_I really miss you."_

Somehow the last words contrast with the rest of the letter and Jongin hates how supportive Sehun is. He doesn't want a girlfriend. He doesn't even find her pretty. He just told Sehun because he thought he would have agreed, because he tells Sehun everything but his answer sounds somehow bitter to his ears and Jongin can't seem to find a way to tell Sehun why he won't date her, because he has no interest in dating her, no interest in anyone beside Sehun.

 

–

 

Three years later comes the time when Jongin is slowly realizing that he is becoming a man. His body betrays him. He is taller and lankier and hairs grew out on his legs and pubis. He is a man even if he doesn't completely feel like it yet.

But he is because when he wakes up now, it is with a hard on and the blurry images of Sehun in his mind. It started a few months ago - years ago if Jongin is honest - but it is just now that he understands how peculiar his relationship with Sehun is. They are friends, friends who write to each other, but Jongin doesn't like his other friends like he likes Sehun. He is slowly developing an obsession over him - or maybe he has always been obsessed with Sehun - but as he is growing up, it is harder and harder to keep being friends with him. He can't tell him at first because he doesn't want to freak him out. He doesn't want his interest to appear unhealthy because it isn't but as he used to find Sehun nice and funny, he now finds him attractive and alluring and he can't really accept how he feels. 

He can't tell anyone so he just keeps it to myself and deal with the inconvenient erections with a shaky hand and groans muffled in his cushions. When his parents ask about his friends, he starts lying that he has plenty, that he is dating girls and he doesn't brag about Sehun's letters anymore. It isn't that he doesn't like them anymore - he loves them, he wouldn't survive if they were to stop coming - but they aren't the innocent, friendly ones they used to be to Jongin. Now they are the only thing he is waiting for when he comes back from school, when he is lonely on holidays, when the pressure is so strong he can't barely breathe.

 

Sehun's next letter has been sent from a different country once again. A place flourished with coconut trees and the blue ocean, or so promises the post card joined with the letter. Jongin stares at it for a while, trying to imagine Sehun swimming and resting on the golden sand until his skin is beautifully sun tanned. It is hard to picture it though as Sehun has always been very white skinned but things can change. 

_"Jongin,"_ the letter starts and Jongin's heart swells a bit as Sehun's voice reverberate in his head. _"I really hate it there. Everything is too shinny and too bright and it smells like fish and dust all the time. I really hate to have to move around again and again."_

The letter goes on like that; Sehun complaining to Jongin about the city he lives in, the new school he goes to and telling him a few funny things that happened since his last letter. Those are the words Jongin feels like he read a thousand times already. They don't sound promising or mysterious anymore. They follow the same exact pattern; Sehun is always rambling about the same things and Jongin is always giving him the same answers.

But things are different now because even though he knows Sehun's words or friendship aren't as strong and as honest as they used be, he can't live without them. He would rather read thousand of hollow promises and repeated stories than nothing. He is that desperate and even to himself, he seems pathetic.

_"I want to come back home to you. I really do."_ The last sentence is a bit wobbly like Sehun had trouble writing it and when Jongin should be feeling glad and happy like he used to do when Sehun wrote this kind of thing, he just feels empty. He read it so many times, those words "I want to come back", but it has been a while since Jongin stopped believing them. If Sehun really wanted to come back, he would already have. He can't trust his promises anymore, that they will see each other again, that he misses him because it has been too long. Jongin knows Sehun has become a simple acquaintance, someone he keeps writing to, someone who keeps promising the same thing over and over again because he knows it will make him feel better.

 

–

 

The moment when Jongin realizes he is falling in love - or understand that he has always been - isn't precise. It happens somewhere around his sixteen year when he comes to accept that nothing outside of Sehun's letters really matters to him. He always liked them, Sehun's letters, but he didn't know they were the only thing keeping him breathing until now. It had always seemed natural to wait for them, to have the postman calling him by his name, to consider Sehun more than his other friends. But now he doesn't see Sehun as his friend anymore. When Sehun sends him pictures of himself, Jongin's heart skips a beat, and hands trembling, he stares at them until his eyes are hurting. 

Later that night, he is still looking at them but this time with desire and need burning his insides and his eyes focusing on the small displays of skin the photos allow him to see; his slender throat, his well-defined arms, his pointy face. 

   
It is even harder to write to Sehun after that because Jongin is scared his words will betray his thoughts, that Sehun will read and know that Jongin is a perverted and disgusting liar. He still writes though because he can't let go of Sehun. He wants to see him again - he begs and begs but Sehun always has other things to do, excuses on his own.

Everything is a theater of improvisation for Jongin. A stage where he can't help but forget his lines, or maybe it is that he never understood its rules. He doesn't know how to deal with human relationship nor how to live with what he's feeling.

Jongin hates to have to lie, to pretend in front of Sehun. Sehun is the only person that matters, the only one he never hid from, but it's difficult to write down feelings, Jongin learns. It's easy to have them, sometimes bearable to utter them but writing them down is something else. It is like engraving them on a rock, leaving behind an evidence that they were ever there and Jongin isn't ready for that yet. Jongin can't write 'I love you' to Sehun but he can write that he misses him, so he does, and when Sehun answers that he misses him too and he wishes he could be there with him for the holidays, Jongin feels warmth spread to his guts. He doesn't care if it's meaningless words anymore, if Sehun is saying it out of habit or not, he will give anything to hear them again and again, because this kind of letter are intoxicating, putting Jongin's into an unbelievable state of excitement. He reads them over and over again, presses them to his face and tries to memorize every words until he falls dead asleep on his bed. 

Jongin wants to confess, wants to tell Sehun that he waited for him all this time not because they were friends but because he has fallen in love a long time ago. Maybe not at first, maybe the mail was really a way of keeping in touch in the beginning but it has been a while since it became Jongin's oxygen. Sehun's words became his reason for living. 

Jongin isn't brave enough to confess so instead he writes something silly. _"Do you remember when our teacher got married? It was the day we got caught trying to steal Kyungsoo's bicycle. I was thinking about that the other day because my friend's mother is getting remarried and he asked me to go to wedding with him. I don't think I will. It looks quite boring."_

Jongin doesn't have a friend whose mother is getting remarried. What Jongin really wants to write is, "do you remember you promised you would marry me twenty years from now?" But he can't, because he is too shy and a kid's promise doesn't have much impact. He just hopes Sehun remembers like he remembered to write to him all those years. 

 

–

 

The next summer Sehun doesn't write. Jongin waits and waits, pesters the postman and finally shares his worries to Kyungsoo who scold him for being childish. The truth is, Jongin is terrified that Sehun might have finally forgot about him. Jongin spends the summer imagining the darkest to the stupidest reasons why Sehun didn't write but none of them are satisfying. He cries out of loneliness one night, terrorized by the thought that Sehun might never write again and that he will never see him again. 

He writes two letters without response and when he is starting to give up, he wakes up one morning to find a yellow envelope on the living room table. One glance is enough to recognize Sehun's messy handwriting and the singular way he has to write "Kim Jongin". He has to bite the inside of his cheeks to prevent tears of relief from falling. His mother doesn't comment but she must read on Jongin's expression how happy he is about it. He snatches the envelope from the table and runs back to his room as quickly as possible. 

However, what he finds inside isn't what he excepted. He smiles reading Sehun's apology for not writing sooner and laughs at his explanations on how he forgot to buy stamps before leaving for holidays and ended up with lots of postcard for Jongin but nothing to send them. He keeps reading, his eyes flicking from one side to another, in a hurry to catch up on what he missed, in a bliss of hearing Sehun's words resound in his head again.

_"I slept with Jenny. You remember how I kept telling you I thought she was pretty and I wanted to go to camp with her? Well, I went. She's not as smart as she's pretty but I guess she's okay. She let me fumbled under her skirt the first day when the others were playing at the swimming pool. She made those disgusting little gasps which were quite annoying but it was hot at the same time. I mean, she has huge tits. Bigger than the ones of the girl who lives next to your house. Don't ask how I remember the size of her tits, but I do._

_Anyways, on the fifth day we went camping and we fucked. It was a nice way of getting off but not as nice as I thought. Still, I had sex and that's pretty cool, isn't it?"_

Jongin crumples up the sheet of paper and, enraged, throws it in the trashcan. He tries to forget about it for the next few hours until the ache to write back to Sehun is too strong. He wants to write down all his thoughts, to throw all his anger and frustration on the paper and send it back to Sehun so he would know how it really feels to read his ugly handwriting made of biting words every months. 

But he can't because Sehun might stop writing and Jongin doesn't want that. He wants to see Sehun again. He is willing to take the pain if it means they will meet again one day. He knows that if Sehun stayed there with him, he wouldn't have gone to camp but they would have spend the summer together and he wouldn't have shared his first experiences with some slutty girl with big boobs. Jongin feels sick at the thought.

But Jongin is also tired. Jongin is tired to read references to things that happened years ago and that aren't relevant anymore. The neighborhood girl moved away three years ago and she was fat and ugly, wearing plaid skirts and sweat was always dripping down her red face. They used to find her nice when they were younger because she allowed them to play with her dog. She never had big boobs. Sehun must know it, Sehun must remember but he wants to pretend they still have things in common, some memories to share when they obviously don't. Because Sehun had sex with a girl at camp and Jongin is still jerking off alone in his room when he isn't rereading all of Sehun's letters. And Jongin can't accept that. He can't accept the gap widening between them and the painful feelings he has for Sehun.

The next letter comes a few days later, scrawled on a messy piece of paper like Sehun doesn't take the time to write properly anymore. Jongin still writes his letters twice. Once as a first draft and then, afterward, on a nice piece of paper. But maybe they are over with all that now. Jongin only notices one line that really matters from his letter anyway. The rest is all blabbering about him going back to school and eating a delicious chicken for lunch. 

_"Okay, I'm sorry you got pissed by what I wrote in my last letter but you're my friend. You should be listening to the "filthy and hideous depiction of my sex life", shouldn't you?_

_You asked if I love her. Don't be stupid, Jongin. Of course I don't. It was just a one time thing. I just wanted to try it out. You should try too. You can't stay alone forever."_

Jongin isn't lonely. He has Sehun. Jongin thinks love matters when it comes to physical relationship because he can't imagine doing anything with someone else than Sehun.

Sehun's letter leaves acid tears on Jongin's face and a feeling of great sadness in his chest.

_"Why do you keep asking me about love? I don't love anyone. Love is too complicated, too scary. I have all my life to fall in love, I don't want to be in love yet._

_Did you see all the couples walking around? They are like prisoners willing to stay locked up."_

Jongin almost cries reading that. He always fantasied love, putted in a sacred place but being confronted to Sehun's apathy and disinterest, Jongin doesn't want think of Sehun as a cold and detached person. He doesn't like it.

 

But even with that, Jongin can't seem to get Sehun out of his head. Some days, he is everywhere with Jongin. He can't stop himself from thinking about him and hating himself for doing so. He is so obsessed that it is sometimes hard to think straight. It hurts as badly to think about Sehun as it makes him bubbly with happiness. He feels like a pathetic, desperate teenager for being in love with someone he didn't see for years and who writes to tell him he doesn't give a damn about love, nor about guys like Jongin.

Jongin hates himself for being so weak, for being unable of letting him go. He is weak because he doesn't have the strength to tell Sehun that they aren't friends anymore, because friends do more than write a few letters a year to each other. They aren't friends but Jongin wants to pretend because he'd rather receive letters full of shallow words than nothing at all. The letters are the last string that connect him to Sehun and he can't bring himself to cut it yet. 

He doesn't want to be friends with Sehun. Not anymore. He wants to kiss him and hold him tight in his arms because he knows it will finally make him feel safe, it will take out the weight in his chest and he will stop hiding under his mountains of lies. Lies he tells to himself, to his parents, to his friends, to Sehun. Lies that make him feel guilty and unworthy of Sehun's trust. 

Jongin strongly believes that love and commitment go hand in hand. But there are none of it with Sehun. Because Sehun's love is out of reach. It is as if Jongin is Sehun's hostage now. Sehun isn't a fantasy anymore. There is a real person behind the pen and the scrappy letters. And Jongin likes every twists of the handwriting as much as he likes the curves of Sehun's body. Being aware of this is enough to drive him crazy to the point of wanting to pull the hair out of his head and to sink under shame after jerking off to this thought. 

He wants him so bad. So bad it hurts. So bad he can only think about roaming his hands over every parts of his body. He writes the three shaky words at the end of his next letter; "I want you" but then he looses confidence and crossed out the words until there is nothing but a hole in the paper. 

Jongin is so weak.

   
When Sehun writes back, Jongin reads it with sheer annoyance. He loathes the feelings of relief and hope filling him up when he opens the envelope. He doesn't want to read Sehun's words anymore. They are empty and stupid and he wants to stop being so dependent. 

_"My summer was okay, I guess. I stayed home but since the sea isn't far it felt like vacation anyway. You're asking what I did? I didn't do much beside going to camp. I just hung out with my friends and so on. What about you? You sound like you got the worst summer."_

Jongin doesn't want to agree and admit he spent his summer thinking about him. He is angry at heart, disappointed and somehow sad but it isn't like a simple letter can carry all those emotions. So instead he scribbled to Sehun that he found someone he likes during the summer. It isn't completely a lie, considering that he indeed accepted his feelings for Sehun not too long ago, but he wants to make him feel the pain, the jealousy, the anger. At least, he wishes Sehun will feel it. He prays he will.

He waits for Sehun's response impatiently, looking out for the postman every morning, until finally, one day, he recognizes the slanted handwriting and heart beating fast as well as hands shaking, he opens it. 

Sehun's letter is full of questions about the girl he likes. _"Who is she? Is she pretty? Where did you meet her? Can you send a picture?"_ Jongin's throat is dry when he reads it, eyes hurting and anger riling up in his veins. He doesn't want Sehun to be supportive, he doesn't want him to congratulate him. He wants him to be as jealous as him, to be as desperate and as eager as him. But Sehun isn't, because Sehun doesn't like him. Because Sehun is his  _friend_.

Jongin is too shy, too scared to reveal his feelings. So instead he lies again - it is the only thing he knows how to do well -, describing how his someone is pretty and funny and how he admired him for months. He wishes he had the courage to write "it's you I like" but Jongin is a coward. 

 

–

 

Jongin feels like he needs to let go of Sehun. Sehun doesn't care about him as much as he does. Sehun doesn't cry when he doesn't write for weeks. Sehun doesn't spend hours reading and rereading his letters. Jongin is alone.

Jongin is so lonely.

Because he thinks he can't take it anymore; the longing, the wait, the feeling of rejection, Jongin accepts when a guy from his class invites him to a party. He doesn't like parties that much; he isn't into getting drunk and having his way with random girls, but now that he doesn't have Sehun anymore, he has to melt into the crowd. He needs it so he won't loose everything, so he will stop thinking Sehun is the only one that matters, the only thing he has. Sehun doesn't like him and won't ever like him. He stopped believing they will meet again a long time ago. Now all he has left are letters and words that used to make him feel loved. 

The party is exactly what he imagined a party was. It is so full of people the house might collapse and so noisy Jongin has to struggle to hear what people are talking about. 

He doesn't like it. Sehun probably likes it. He can imagine him dancing and shouting and drinking until his face is flushed and he's sweating. Jongin would feel awkward doing all this so he just sits on one of the sofas and tries to make conversation with the people around him. The alcohol burns his mouth and makes him cough but he gulps it down anyway. He hopes it will make Sehun disappear. He needs it to make Sehun disappear. 

"What are you doing here? You look like you're having the worst day." A guy comments next to him, making Jongin jumps. He vaguely remembers seeing him in school but can't recall his name. 

Jongin shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. "N-no, I'm doing fine," he lies and the guy must notice because he laughs.

He angles his head and his smile doesn't narrow as he continues. "If I didn't know better, I would say you're drinking to forget about someone." He sounds casual but Jongin realizes he must look really pathetic and sad for someone he just met to already figure out what is wrong with him. Or the guy is just trying to hit on him - and Jongin wishes he could be flattered and flirts back - but either way, he is guessing right.

"Y-Yeah, kind of," he sighs, "he's just someone I write to." The words are out before Jongin can't hold them back. He glances toward the guy cautiously, afraid he might tell him he's weird or anything, but no, he smiles again.

He takes a sip of his drink before speaking. "You write? Like real letters?" He sounds bewildered and Jongin isn't surprised, no many people write nowadays. He hums.

"Yeah, real letters made of paper. We've been writing for years. Since he left the town. But I guess I just got overly attached and him... not so much." He never told this to anyone and it feels like a huge weight just got taken off his shoulders. He can always blame the alcohol for it tomorrow if someone asks him. 

"I see," he says but Jongin is pretty sure he doesn't see anything and pretends to, to be polite, "But if he still writes back it means something, right?"

Jongin shrugs, unsure. He doesn't want to think about it. "I don't know, maybe not. Maybe he just does it out of habit, not to hurt my feelings." His own words make him almost shiver because a habit is still better than nothing.

"Would you still be writing if you didn't like him?"

"No, of course not. I wish I could stop."

"Then you got your answer." The guy gets up, leaving his glass on the table in front of them. Jongin follows him with his eyes until he looses him in the dancing crowd and then stands up to leave. It was a bad idea to come. 

_If he still writes back it means something, right?_ What a random guy told him, drunk, at a party shouldn't bother Jongin but it stays in his mind for weeks. The rest doesn't matter but the voice in his head keeps chanting that if he writes back, it means something. It means he cares. It means he takes time to write. It means he can't forget, just like Jongin.

But Jongin has the unpleasant impression that the whole process is childish. The idea of writing to each other, of keeping in contact through handwritten letters to maintain a sense of proximity between them seems foolish now. Letters that used to convey their feelings, their fears and all the worth-telling episodes of their lives are now meaningless words scattered on white sheets. It is as if they have nothing left to say to each other, nothing left to share. The letters became parodies of themselves. They say they want to see each other knowing that they won't. They assure the other that they will come visit but make no plans to. Jongin wonders if they lost their purposes, if staying away from each for too long didn't estrange them in the end, if they aren't writing to unknown persons who they only believe they still know.

Perhaps they don't have anything left to say to each other. Perhaps they already told everything to each other and behind all the words there aren't any true friendship or pure love but an old habit that can't die. 

Jongin writes to Sehun that he thinks they should stop. His hand is shaking and he tries to forget that it means something that he writes back.

_"It's no use anymore. All of this are just hollow words. We know very well we won't see each other anytime soon. You're at the other side of the world and we learned to live on our own. I don't want us to feel obligated to write when there isn't anything left to write about."_

He doesn't re-read his letter this time, doesn't rewrite it and wants to believe this is indeed the end.

But Sehun always writes back and the reply comes quicker than ever this time. A piece of paper folded in half in an envelope and the stamps a bit bent like the sender was in a desperate hurry when he wrote it.

_"What about the promise we made?"_

 

–

 

Jongin goes to the library a few days later to try to get some work done for school. He didn't write back to Sehun yet. He is still pissed off, still angry at himself and he swore he won't write again even if his fingers itch to do so. He will be strong enough this time.

He barely enters when he notices the guy from the party behind the desk.

"Hi," he waves to Jongin, his lips quirking and Jongin nods back, somehow feeling a bit troubled to meet him again so quickly. He comes closer nonetheless, looking around, inhaling the faint scent of new books and wood.

"Are you working here?" It isn't really a question as it is obvious the guy is working here but Jongin has never been good at chit-chatting.

"Yeah. I got a part-time job here and since I like books...," The guy trails off and Jongin hums knowingly. "Hey, are you still writing letters?" The guy questions as Jongin is about to go find a place to work on his own, looking expectant and Jongin responds positively, blushing. "I have a book for you," he explains. He rummages around the shelves for a few minutes and finally extracts an old book smelling like time and dust and hands it over. He smiles, "Read it, I think you might like it." 

"T-Thanks," Jongin stammers, both flustered and intrigued.

_Dangerous Liaisons by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos_ , the cover displays. He never heard of this book before but he puts it in his bag and promises himself to read it when he has time.

 

–

 

Sehun is the one who doesn't let go this time. It has been two weeks of silence from Jongin when his mother calls him from the kitchen because he received mail. His heart races as he hurtles down the stairs. He would recognize Sehun's letters among a million. Here it is, between his fingers and Jongin can't believe Sehun sent another letter. He wants to ignore it, to rip it off and never read it but he can't help himself. Sehun isn't supposed to keep writing. Sehun's letters never had this alarming regularity before. 

_"Are you still with that girl you talked to me about? I shouldn't say this but I really don't like thinking you're dating someone. I don't know why and it's probably stupid of me to tell you this but I keep thinking about it. Anyway, I hope you're happy._

_Is this why you don't want to write anymore? Because of your girlfriend? I can understand but please, write. It may seem like we won't ever see each other again since it's been so long but I promise we will. I always keep my promises, right?_

_Please, Jongin, don't be mad. I'll find a way of coming back home. You know I can drive now._

_I'm going crazy thinking you don't want to write anymore. I still want to read your words, even if they are hollow, even if you don't have anything to say anymore._

_I really, really miss you, Jongin. I can't believe how much I think about you lately. Since you sent me that letter, I keep seeing you in the streets, every day. I grab people's arms and when they turn around and it's not you, I want to punch them. It's all in my mind, I know it, but you make me forget about everything else. You make me feel like nothing else matter. It's dangerous._

_Sometimes, I even wish it is me you're dating and I feel sorry because of that. "_

The letter strangely sounds like Sehun was drunk when he wrote it. Maybe he was, but happiness surges through Jongin nonetheless when he reads it. He's sweating and his knees are so feeble, they give up on him. He stays there, kneeling in the middle of his room, squinting his eyes at the words and trying to figure out what Sehun really intended to write. When Jongin has pretty much memorized the whole letter and the thrumming of his heart calmed down a bit, he lets himself fall backwards on the floor. He feels like he can finally breath better.

It is everything he ever hoped for. It is the confession he waited for years. 

His eyes are still red-rimmed from tears when he writes his answer. He never had his heart beating that fast in his chest before, both adrenaline and excitement making it hard to stay still on his seat to write properly. But it doesn't matter because Sehun always writes back and he said he wishes they are together.

Jongin the liar slowly fades away under his pen, as well as his imaginary girlfriend and Jongin never felt so alive before. He doesn't write that he loves him because he's too shy to even say it out loud. Instead, he writes that he likes him, that he wants to be with him and that he should come home soon because he will be waiting. 

 

–

 

It is the start of the marvelous happiness Jongin always dreamt of, as well as a slow, painful descent into hell. Sehun writes that he likes him at the end of his letters. Sehun writes quicker than ever. Sehun says he's in love. Sehun sends pictures of himself so they won't miss each too much. But Jongin can't wait. Jongin is impatient. Jongin is obsessive and possessive about him. Jongin can't stand reading letters that can't compare with a real hug or a kiss. 

What Jongin hates the most beside the distance, it is to read about Sehun's life. He used to like it because it made feel like he could connect with him. He enjoyed it when he still thought Sehun was out of reach but not anymore. It isn't entertaining anymore; it is annoying and maddening, because it tells a story which Jongin isn't a part of and he can't accept it.

_"I hate all the girls and guys you spend time with. I really hate them. And even more when I realize they get to spend time with you when I can't. They get to live things with you, to hear you laugh, to make memories when all we have are those letters._

_I think I love you and it hurts knowing that you don't love me back like I do. I never loved before but I'm sure this is love, I can feel it. It burns inside of me, it consumes me bit by bit._

_I miss you so much, Sehun."_

People always say love is beautiful and colorful. For Jongin, love is an ache that can't seem to go away; love is made of fear and attachment and it hurts worse than when his love was one-sided. Jongin is convinced that seeing Sehun will make things better, that he will be able to trust him fully and completely but the days seem to be stretching out the time and the day they will see each other is still a dream. 

But it is harder to wait now, because Sehun doesn't feel like his friend anymore, he feels inevitable, he feels like a part of him and Jongin misses him so much, it is as if a part of him is slowly dying. 

 

–

 

After months of heated exchanges with Sehun, from letters full of affection to crumpled paper exulting anger, one afternoon Jongin remembers the book the guy from the library gave him. It had been forgotten, hidden under a pile of homework and letters' drafts.

Jongin finishes it in one breath and when he closes it, heart thrumming and tears gathering on his lashes, he finally understands what letters can bring to people. He finally grasps the deep intimacy mail can create between the two interlocutors, the emotions words can provoke and the honest pleasure they can share while writing to each other. When Jongin used to think words were empty, they are in fact the mirror of a person's personality; from the handwriting to the style, passing from the choice of words and the mindset the writer was in when he wrote it. He finally realizes that the years they spent writing to each other weren't lost. They were years of discovering each other, years of tentativeness and sincerity. They were lucky enough to have something that rare, that precious that very few people have a chance to experience. 

Jongin is still blushing, remembering the heated depiction of desire and lust running through the whole book, stunned by the strength with witch the scenes played in front of his eyes. A letter may seem useless or stupid compared to the reality of a meeting, to the the brush of skin against skin, to eyes meeting eyes but it is alive, behind the words and the feelings, it has something singular, something precious that can fight loneliness. 

Jongin isn't angry at Sehun anymore. He still longs for him but he doesn't hate the letters anymore. He takes them as a part of their relationship, a step they need to take to build their real relationship in the future. Sehun's letters are full of hope and the book taught Jongin that writing might be easy and still as overwhelming as speaking. 

He can write down his desires and fantasies and not be judged for them directly. They can be hidden in the letters, they can appear between two lines or at the bend of a sentence and it makes it all more thrilling. 

 

–

 

When Sehun writes to Jongin that he wants to sleep with him, Jongin's heart flips and hands trembling and mouth dry, he has a hard time keeping a cool head. He fumbles with his clothes and staring at Sehun's words until his vision is blurry, he brings himself into completion. 

It takes him a while to find the strength to write back, both shyness and insecurity holding him back from writing down all his secret desires. It isn't like he can pretend he never received the letter because he did and Sehun's words and the images he brought to him are buried in his head ever since. 

_"I wish I could be as good with words as you are. You asked me what I wanted to do with you when we'll meet. I'll tell you._

_First I want to kiss you. We never kissed before but I'm sure it will be amazing because I waited for this moment so long, I'm sure I will love it. And you'll love it too because it will be breathtaking and intense. As intense as the numbers of days we spent without each other._

_Sometimes I'm wondering if you're still similar to the Sehun I remember. My memories might have became a bit distorted with time but I still imagine you as cheeky and mischievous as you used to be. This and I bet you still smell the same as you did when we were younger. I always loved the way you smell. It has always make me feel safe. Because of that, I'll hug you tight and I'll breath you until my head will be dizzy. Then I'll kiss you neck. I remember your skin used to be really white and thin on your neck. It must be sensitive, isn't it? I don't know yet but I hope it is._

_After that I'll rummage around your clothes because I want to feel you against me. I want to feel your perfect pale skin under my hands. I want to know what it is like to hold your waist, to let my fingers run down your spine. I think it will make you shiver because you're ticklish. Even that would be hot. God, everything about you is hot Sehun. I can't believe how much I wish you were there with me._

_We'll be frantic with need and desire. Desire so strong it'll rips through us. We'll be quick and panting because it'll be hard to get a hold of ourselves. We've been waiting for so long after all._

_I'll undress you and I'll look at you. I will finally be able to look at you, all of you. To touch all of you. I'm sure you will be beautiful like this, Sehun, so beautiful. I thought about you for years, so many years I lost count, and finally here you are, sprawled in front of me and yearning for me. It's terrifying how all this seem both like a unreachable dream and at a same time, so real, so close to me that I'm going crazy._

_It will be this, just this really; a whirl of pleasure and the sweatiness of our bodies. And then, the nirvana, the supreme satisfaction, better than anything I've experienced until then, better than soccer, dancing and chocolate. Better than anything._  
   
And then you'll sag under me, spent, tired but somehow exhilarated. I'll close my eyes and let my head rest against your stomach until my gasping and my raging heartbeat thrumming against your thigh calm down."  
   
Jongin is sweating and unbelievably turned on when he finishes his letter. It is a bit embarrassing to write such things but he can imagine Sehun touching himself while reading, just like he did with his previous letter and it is enough to convince him to send it.   
 

–

 

However, the first daze and blinded joy shatter with the persistent unfilled promises. The first few months are made of coy letters where feelings are hidden behind the words which gradually transform into missives gorged of fervent desire and unsatisfied needs. It becomes way more frustrating not to see each other when they are both aware of their feelings for each other.

Jongin wants to see Sehun. Jongin needs to see Sehun. 

His letters deepen the hole in Jongin's chest and it soon feels as if it won't ever heal. Their relationship sounds like a bad joke. Who can be loving properly someone they didn't see in almost ten years? How can letters fill the gap left by the distance? It can't. 

Jongin doesn't want to surrender, doesn't want to admit he is loosing to time and distance. But he is and it is as if he is a part of something he can't control anymore. 

After the fear comes the anger at Sehun who always refuses to meet, who never has time, who keeps traveling and forgot his first home a long time ago. He left without turning back and if it wasn't for Jongin always trying to bring him back, he would have already give up. 

Their messages are now filled with words they don't mean and the underlying fear they will be stuck in this situation forever. Jongin isn't sure he will survive a lifetime of letters and unfulfilled dreams.

_"When are you coming back? Stop lying to me. You won't, right? If you don't want to see me then just say it. Don't pretend to miss me when you don't, when you have fun all year long and then you go come to write me a 20 words long letter to make me feel better._

_I've been waiting for years, Sehun. You can't just come up with excuses anymore. Not once in ten years you had the chance to visit? To anyone it would sound like you just don't want to come. You can just tell me and I'll stop asking. I know you're living far away and that you keep moving around but I start to think that you don't want to come back anymore."_

It can be darkness and hatred sometimes and sweetness and joy other times. It is so intense, so nerve-racking that Jongin worries he might go mental before they finally meet.

_"I can't love anyone else, Sehun. I tried. I tried really hard but I can't. I want to but it's too late now. I didn't mean it to happen that way, me to become so desperate for you but I eventually did. So I made a decision. I want you and I will have you because I don't have anyone else and I can't picture a life without you. You're mine."_

Jongin doesn't mean to sound so enthralled and so creepy but he really is. Sehun is all he thinks about all day long - not that he ever thought of anyone else - and he will do all it takes to be able to hold him in his arms even if it's just a few seconds. He is slowly becoming reckless out of desperation and he can't control it. Sehun belongs to him and he will have him. 

In the past, love for Jongin could be defined as Sehun. Jongin isn't so sure anymore; love tears him apart, love turns him into someone he isn't, love is full of rage. Jongin doesn't want to believe in love anymore. Jongin doesn't want the pain anymore. He convinces himself that in this world, one can only obtain love by proxy. Feelings provide a placebo effect to his own misery. He wishes he could have the unawareness of the madmen and the passion of the hysterics so he wouldn't have to suffer as much as he does. 

 

–

 

When Sehun eventually announces that he is indeed coming back, Jongin is about to break down. He can't wait any longer. He can't believe it when he reads the letter but hours after, the words are still real on the paper - Jongin can touch them - and Sehun is coming back.

Sehun is coming back.

At first, Jongin is uncontrollably happy, his stomach twisting nervously and relief taking over him and making him feels alive again. Then comes the anxiety. They haven't seen each other in years and he doesn't know how it will turn out once they do. Sure, they still know each other, they love each other but they changed drastically with years and they aren't comfortable around each other anymore. They are used to the delays of letters. Jongin is used to read and re-read and analyze Sehun's words but he doesn't know how it will be once they are in front of each other.

He counts the days until they will finally reunite and prays for time to go faster. 

Sehun says he will visit at the end of the year, right before summer and right before they have to settle for college. Jongin can't believe this is happening. Sehun will take the plane and the six hours drive to come home and they will spent a few days together. It doesn't sound real as it is what he hoped for years. 

He writes numerous letters, repetitively asking for proof that he is indeed coming and Sehun writes back every time that he will, giving more and more precise informations on the day he'll arrive.

–

   
Jongin can hear the thunder rumbling but it's not raining yet. It won't be long. He can already detect the humidity in the air, making it suffocating and hard to breath. He still has Sehun's last letter buried at the bottom of his jacket's pocket. Usually Sehun's letters feel warm and comforting against his body. Today, it burns. 

Maybe because Jongin knows it is their last letter; the last one tinted by the innocence of the youth and the shyness of two boys on the cusp of becoming adults. The last one before they relationship change from a dreamlike one to a humanlike one. Jongin is both reluctant and overly ready to take this step. Soon, there won't be any more letters but Sehun. The real Sehun made of flesh and hair. The Sehun Jongin fantasized about for years. He gathered pieces of Sehun through the years with the words he wrote but now he is going to meet him for real and he isn't that confident anymore. 

Of course, he's impatient, yearning for Sehun after years of waiting for him but he is also aware that they spend many years apart. Many years made of meetings and memories they don't share. 

He's almost home, hurrying up before the rain catches him, when he notices a car parked in front of his house. He didn't expect Sehun to be early but he is and his palms become clammy and his heart erratic. Jongin draws closer until he is only a few feet away and the car's door opens.

"Hi," Sehun greets shyly as he goes out of the car, looking a bit uncomfortable and awkward. Sehun looks beautiful, skin golden under the broad daylight and lips pink. Something churns inside of Jongin's guts and it feels familiar; the world always seemed to turn upside down when Sehun is there. 

Jongin comes even closer until they're standing in front of each other and he realizes Sehun grew taller than him. "Hi," he replies, "You're finally back." Sehun nods and Jongin's fingers twitches as he wants to touch him but stops half-way, unsure on what's acceptable to do when they just meet. They know each other. They aren't strangers and yet, everything seems suddenly so unfamiliar.

It's Sehun who reaches first, his hand curling around his forearm to pull him towards him. "I missed you," he mumbles against Jongin's hair, his arms wrapping around him in an uncommon but reassuring hug. Sehun's voice is low and quieter than Jongin remembers but it makes him jump and smile anyway.

Jongin buries his nose in the juncture of Sehun's neck and shoulder and breathes in. Sehun smells just like he imagined he would; musky and addictive, just like he used to do. 

"How long are you staying?" The worry is back in Jongin's voice, making his insides clench and a sense of urgency rushing up through him. He knows Sehun won't stay long, he knows he won't have long to enjoy him before they will part again for who knows how long.

Sehun tightens his hold around him. "Two days. That was the best I could do," he sounds sorry and Jongin is angry but he doesn't want to show it. They don't have time to waste. "I wish I could stay longer." Jongin wishes too. He wishes he could stay forever.

   
They don't kiss at first. There is just a lick; Jongin's tongue lapping Sehun's upper lip. It is a tentative move, an ask for permission, a question "is this okay?". And then there is Sehun kissing him back, mouth open and demanding. Jongin slumps against him, holding him close, so tight it hurts and they are kissing ardently and sloppily until their lips are bruised.

 

"Want to get in?", Jongin offers once they managed to break apart and gestures at his house standing proudly next to him. "It's been a while but not much has changed inside." 

Sehun cocks his head and squeezes his arm. "You changed." He corrects, his eyes traveling up and down Jongin's body. For a second, Jongin is afraid he might be disappointed but the swell of his lips makes him change his mind.

"You too," he takes Sehun's hand to lead him to the door. The sky is now covered of dark clouds and they should get in before getting drenched. "But you're still the same to me." He smiles and Sehun chuckles back.  

   
He shows him around, hoping to trigger a sense of familiarity and of nostalgia in him. They grew up, they grew old but Jongin's house is made of old rocks that time doesn't waver. He offers him a glass of juice and points to the drawings hung up on the fridge. One of them is Sehun's and it represents both of them playing in the front yard. The others are Jongin in almost all of them, Sehun is there, because Sehun used to be always there when he was young. 

"It's cute," Sehun comments, bending over to look closely, "but we were really terrible at drawing," he jokes. Jongin laughs back. 

Then he leads him to his room and it starts feeling awkward. They have at the same time so many things and nothing to say to each other. Jongin wants to catch up on what he missed, wants to get used to the sound of Sehun's voice but he is also aware of the wall between them. They have become incompetent in talking to each other. They used to talk for hours where they were young, to finish each other sentences but now it's different. 

"Your room didn't change much either," Sehun says, running his hand over the books on the shelves. Jongin sits carefully on the bed, letting Sehun travel around his room curiously.

"How does your room look back where you live? I never asked you," There are lots of things Jongin never asked; things that would have been too long or not important enough to write on a letter. But now Jongin wants to know everything, even the most insignificant stuff.

Sehun comes to sit next to him on the bed, far enough so they wouldn't touch but close enough so Jongin can feel the heat radiate from his body. "It's smaller than your own, and colder too." Jongin makes a questioning face, "I mean since I moved around a lot, I don't own many things, besides my clothes, a few books and my computer. My room is rather... empty." Jongin hums knowingly. Sehun never really had a place he could call home, just places where he stayed for a while.

 

Sehun stretches on his bed and as he complains about his body feeling stiff after the long drive, his t-shirt rises up and exposes a few centimeters of his muscled abdomen. Jongin can't help but stare. He has to fight the sudden impulse to reach and touch and taste the warm skin by looking away. Sehun isn't the frail kid he used to be anymore. He is lanky with square shoulders and a sculpted body and Jongin wants to slap himself to be sure he isn't dreaming once again, and that Sehun is indeed there in his room.   
   
"What are you looking at?" Jongin asks after moments of silence, when Sehun's stare on him becomes too burdensome. 

"You. I want to memorize everything before I leave." Jongin's heart clenches uncomfortably at the thought. Sehun just got there but it won't be long before I'll leave again. 

"We still have time before that," His voice is barely above a whisper, "And you'll come back, right?" He looks at Sehun hopefully who smiles back from where he is laid down next to him. 

"Of course I'll come back," he chuckles, "When did you become so shy and meek? The Jongin I know is usually bold and rude." Jongin huffs at that and Sehun kicks him gently with his bare foot.  

"I think you've mistaken me for yourself," Jongin counters, laughing for real this time. 

Sehun scoffs. "It's not what your letters are saying," he chants teasingly and Jongin's face flames. It is totally like Sehun to bring up the erotic letters they sent to each other so shamelessly.

"Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it," he mocks back, playful, "I still have yours too you know." 

This time it's Sehun's turn to blush and he jumps on Jongin and starts kicking and tickling him naughtily to fight his embarrassment. Jongin laughs and hits back, feeling the tension and awkwardness slowly leaving them. And where they are finished fighting, panting but still giggling, they kiss again.

Jongin roams his hand all over Sehun's back, appreciating its broadness and the way the muscles flex under his hands. Sehun kisses back hungrily, intertwining his legs with Jongin's and digging his nails in the skin of his lower back, between his t-shirt and his pants. 

Jongin wants to take his time, wants to revel in the pleasure of making Sehun his but he is too frantic, too impatient, too lost in his lust that he can't wait. Sehun doesn't seem to care either, responding just as eagerly.

He inhales, sucks and bites Sehun's skin. It feels like finally breathing after an eternity under water. He doesn't care about the bruises he leaves along his neck or his thighs, he is only led by the fact that he wants more. He wants to learn all the things he didn't have a chance to, all the things he missed out and rediscover all the things that didn't change. He finds out that the mole on Sehun's back is still there and it brings a sense of familiarity; something that tells that it is Sehun is with, it is Sehun's body, just bigger, broader and larger than in his memories and also hotter and more willing, oh so much more willing than it has ever been. 

He strokes him above his underwear until a wet spot seeps through the fabric and Sehun is looking at him with pleading eyes. Eyes that say both "I missed you" and "please do something". It's funny in a way how with just a look at Sehun Jongin can interpret his thoughts as words and letters and how Sehun's voice sounds so different from the one he imagined by reading his mail but his eyes just sound the same. 

Naked, Sehun is different from the depictions he wrote, he doesn't moan yet nor does he arches his back with impatience; he only lets out a shaky breath and looks at him expectantly as if he is being cautious not to ruin something they waited for so long. It is a bit awkward in a way. It is like having sex with a stranger somehow; someone you're not used to the reactions, to the voice, to the body but they still feel like home and it's Sehun. They know everything about each other. So when Jongin reaches out and slides his boxers down his legs, it doesn't feel wrong.

They are both inexperienced. Well, Jongin more than Sehun but none of them think about that now because it is the first time they spend together after a long time and they are both equal now. They are Jongin and Sehun who grew up together, who were friends and who got in trouble together for years when they were younger. 

Jongin is vaguely aware that the rain starts falling when he leans forward to press kisses down the valley's of Sehun stomach, leaving wet stripes glistening on his skin, until he stops between his legs, he licks there too and Sehun gasps. Soon, Sehun's hips are jolting forward hastily, greedy for the wet heat surrounding him and Jongin has to maintain him to the mattress with one arm flung around his middle. 

Sehun's little whimpers are overwhelming when he starts bobbing his head for real, taking as much as Sehun's cock in his mouth as he can and it is hard for Jongin to keep his composure as he wants to reach and kiss him to shallow all the sounds he makes. His own cock is painful and he has to fight the itch to start grinding his hips against the bed too. 

When Jongin spreads out Sehun's long legs before him, his stomach swoops at the sight displayed before him. He swallows hard and has to look away for a few seconds as it almost too much to bear. Coaxing his trembling fingers in lube, he presses one in, looking in awe at how Sehun's back arches off and his moans turn into non sensical sentences among "more" and "please" and "i love you". Sehun's fists are clenching and he's squirming by the time he is three fingers deep and he knows he won't withstand the sight of Sehun so willing and so pliant before him for long.

"Tell me if it hurts," he whispers somewhere next to his ear and Sehun swallows, nodding and bringing Jongin's closer to wrap his legs and arms around him. 

"I really missed you," Jongin adds suddenly because it seems like something important to say now. Sehun kisses him long and slow as a reply until Jongin is positioning himself and the tip of his member is pressing against his entrance. He is so ridiculously aroused that his cock aches and he has to take a few seconds of breathing to pull himself together.

They both hold their breath until Jongin is pushing himself inside and he can feel Sehun's warmth slowly enveloping him. Sehun's nails racks down his back and his palms slip against his sweaty skin and it is the best he has felt in years. Sehun is finally his, wrapped in his embrace and the sensations are breathtaking. 

Sehun's eyes are scrunched shut and he's gasping for air too and for a second Jongin is worried he might have done something wrong. But he didn't because then, Sehun's eyes flutter open and looking at him with dilated pupils, he starts rubbing his hips in circle against him. 

"Move," he orders, nearly hisses, voice hoarse and imploring. Jongin can't help but obey, canting his hips with short thrusts, until the incredible tightness becomes tolerable and he can switch to long and deep pushes that allow Sehun to feel him curving fully inside him.

Jongin is amazed at the way Sehun's stomach is clenching every time he thrusts forward or at the delicious moans he manages to drag out of him. He never imagined mail to have such a flaw; the lack of sound, the lack of voice, because Sehun's voice is the best thing he ever heard until now. He can't help but be mesmerized at the sight of Sehun's strong and graceful body before him, under him, his hands slipping against his sides, his figure squirming at every movement and his mouth opening on his own will to cry out each time Jongin dives in.

It isn't long before Sehun is trembling and Jongin is now snapping his hips hard inside him, skins smacking and obscene groans filling the room. Sehun's thighs are so clamped around him that Jongin can't pull away even if he wants to and he has no choice but let his instincts take over him and his movements become erratic. Sehun comes first, writhing and with a cry, his whole body going rigid as a crippling pleasure explodes inside him and Jongin can't bear the clenching around him for much longer. Arching his hips in one last deep push, he bucks forward a few times, emptying himself inside, cock twitching rapidly and breath heavy, the tingling feeling of his orgasm lingering for long minutes after. 

 

Jongin's voice is throaty when he speaks next, "Don't leave ever again." He asks, once they have collapsed on the bed, exhausted and enjoying the aftermath of their releases, even though he knows it won't happen because they both need to go to college and they live far away from each other. Sehun will have to come back to his parents, leaving Jongin behind, and if Jongin knows it, he doesn't want to accept it.

"I won't," Sehun answers nonetheless, smiling affectionately and stroking Jongin's slick back lazily.  Jongin knows it's lie but his heart beat races and for a few seconds, he believes him.

"Will you keep writing?" Jongin needs to know because he isn't sure he will be able to survive without Sehun's letters, without the thrill coming from receiving one, without the anticipation building up, without the shy words they exchange - words said and unsaid. 

"Of course. Until we see each other again. I promised, didn't I?" Jongin hums in agreement and closes his eyes. He wants to believe it will be easier from now on, because they met and they are in love.

 

–

 

Sehun writes quicker than ever once he's gone. He says he wants to come back as soon as possible. He already misses him. It is quite ironical, Jongin thinks, that meeting each other only made things harder for them. They used to miss each other, to long for each other but now that they had a taste of what it is like to be together, it became even more painful to be apart. It is tragic in a way how their story has always been all about missing each other. A few moments of happiness and then months and years of loneliness. Jongin isn't sure anymore he will be able to put up with it any longer. It feels as if he already wasted years of his life waiting.

He hopes that this time it will be different but it isn't. As always, real life and duties come first and it becomes complicated to find a moment to meet. Sehun says he's broke and he doesn't have enough free days to ride back to Jongin's. Jongin doesn't have a car and is busy too. He wonders what kind of relationship they have, if this can be called a relationship as they only met once or two days in a decade.

_"You can't forget about me. I won't let you forget. It doesn't matter how long it takes but we will meet each other again and when we do it will be forever."_

Sehun promises in one of his letter and even if Jongin's heart swells at the idea of being together forever, he is also scared. They spent years apart and got used to a certain kind of living. What if they realize they don't fit each other once they get to spend days, months, years together? Sehun tells him not to worry, to stop overthinking everything but Jongin can't be as laid back as him. 

Sehun writes that he loves him three months later for the first time and Jongin writes it back. 

It is hard for Jongin. He cries a lot, being unsure of what they might become. Sehun still writes but he isn't sure for how long. They aren't kids who finds it distracting to send and receive mail anymore. They have others things to deal with. Jongin wouldn't survive if they were to drift away from each other.

 

And what Jongin feared eventually happen. Sehun doesn't come back properly. Not as Jongin hoped he will at least.

He starts visiting a lot after a while actually, after he got to settle down in college and has enough free time. He visits every two weeks at first and if he can't, every months. It is usually only a couple of days spent walking around, going to the movies, playing games, chatting and having sex, but as months and years go by most of those things disappear. They don't walk around or go to the movies anymore because Sehun is always tired when he arrives. They don't play games because they are not kids anymore. Sehun doesn't even stay a couple of days anymore as he is busy and is working. It is usually one night and maybe a few hours in the morning if Jongin is lucky enough. 

Jongin gets shocked one day, realizing what they have become, unable to remember how he let them turn into this. They were so good at loving each other when there were miles between them but it turned out that they sucked at loving each other daily. He used to think Sehun loved him but all they have left to connect to each other now is sex. Sehun comes, they have sex, they don't talk much, they don't ask how the other is doing, Sehun says he loves him and then leaves. And then Jongin waits.

They don't even write to each other anymore. They never stopped officially but it somehow happened that way. Slowly, without intending to, they stopped writing. Or, Sehun stopped writing. Jongin still writes a lot. It's just that he doesn't send his letters anymore.

_"The last time we had a proper conversation seems so far away today. I remember when we met, we were so happy, so innocent, so eager to talk and to share everything with each other. When did we become like this? What happened to us, Sehun?_

_You promised you would always write, you promised we will be happy, you promised you wouldn't ever leave."_

_  
"You didn't even stay the full night tonight. You left as soon as we were done. I didn't even had the courage to look up to watch you close the door behind you. You look like you don't care anymore, like it doesn't matter how much you hurt me because you know I won't leave you._

_Please tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're just busy and everything will be alright. I'm so scared, Sehun, so scared that we are already done but I'm the one desperately hanging onto you."_

_"Why do you always come back? Please stop. Stop so I won't have to stop you myself. It will be easier if you just stop coming and calling. I won't be mad, I promise. It will be sweet and without pain. But you always come back._

_Each time I want to talk to you, each time I don't find the courage. I prepared what I should say a thousand times but I can't bring myself to utter it. Every time you kiss me and you make me feel wanted and I think that I should be bear with it just one more time before ending it."_

_"I'm so tired Sehun, so tired I think I might collapse. I took my decision. I won't hesitate anymore. I hope you understand. You understand, don't you? You know what's wrong, even if you don't say it, you know, right? I'll just put an end to it before it's too late."_

 

–

 

Jongin is waiting for Sehun tonight. He prepared himself mentally and memorized exactly what he will say. He just hopes Sehun won't make things more difficult as they already are. He paces around his apartment for around twenty minutes before he hears the well-known sound of Sehun knocking at his door. Usually it would make him excited, make his heart race and his legs wobbly but today he just tenses, trying to push back the desire he still has for him. All he wants to feel now is anger.

Jongin would be lying if he said what they are doing isn't convenient for him too. He likes it. He likes the way Sehun's legs always spread wider for him to rest in between. He likes the way he whispers his name in the dark. He even likes to see him at his door, all dressed up and looking the same as ten years ago. He likes every part of it but it isn't what he expects a loving relationship to be.

"Sehun," Jongin stammers as soon as he passes the door before words will get stuck in his throat, "It's over." He lets out bluntly and it is hard to ignore the shooting pain springing in his chest coming from such words.

"What do you mean?" Sehun sounds lost, he reaches to Jongin's face but he avoids it, "What's going on suddenly?" 

"Don't pretend you don't know," Jongin accuses, tone flat and anger rising up at Sehun's lack of understanding. "You're done using me, Sehun. It's over. I understand it was nice having someone always there for you, ready to put up with everything because he loved you but I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend we're still having something when all we've done in the past years has been fucking when you were willing to." Jongin repeated his speech in his head for weeks but right now he is stuttering and is trying really hard to contain his sobs. Sehun frowns, mouth open but no words coming out as he stares at him with widened eyes. "You won't use me anymore. Please go. It's over now." Jongin barely manages to control his trembling voice and to not let his emotions show through too much.  
 

Jongin wishes Sehun would have protested, throw himself at his feet and beg him to keep him but he doesn't. Instead, he doesn't utter a word as he pushes him to the door and firmly closes it behind him. Jongin doesn't hear Sehun slumping down against it and instead tries to convince himself he did the right thing. 

 

_"Did I do the wrong thing? Are you still in love, Sehun? Why didn't you say anything that day? You could have at least answer back so I wouldn't feel so doubtful right now. I should have cursed at you, make you react, at least._

_I wish you would still write because I never felt that you lied to me when you were writing. The words you say they are so empty; the "I love you" you always whisper, I can't hear it anymore because I heard it too much and it was so meaningless. I miss your writing. I miss your honesty. I miss you._

_No, I don't and I won't._

_You will do good without me, right? I hope you're not too angry. I didn't mean to be so harsh and sudden but I needed you to understand. I'm sorry and I believe you are too. Please tell me you're sorry too. Come back and tell me we can start again."_

 

–

   
Sehun doesn't come back and Jongin tries his best to accept that it is definitely over. They talked to each other for years through letters and then when they finally managed to meet, they couldn't talk anymore. Jongin wants to laugh at the stupidity of their situation but he is too sad for that. Instead, he wants to forget that he lost years of his life running after a man who wasn't worth it. It isn't easy; Sehun has been with him his whole life wether it was through letters or sex but the empty spot he leaves behind cannot quite be filled by anything. 

Jongin cries, complains to Kyungsoo who doesn't care and struggles to move on. 

After a while he thinks about moving out of his apartment but can't bring himself as he quietly hopes Sehun will still show up one day at his door. 

Almost one full year passes before he hears from Sehun again. One year of silence and of nights spend at his desk rereading damaged letters from years ago.

 

–

 

_"Jongin,_

_I know I took so long to write but I hope you don't hold grudges. You probably do though, as all I ever did is making you wait for me, asking you to patient, forcing you to comply with my flaws and hesitations until the day you stopped doing so._

_I should have stayed that day, ask you for explanations, be mature and promise you I will do better but I just couldn't. Reflecting on it now, it is probably the guilt that made me leave and try not to look back. But how can I not look back when it was you I was leaving?_

_I am guilty, Jongin, so guilty. I should have treated you better. I shouldn't have let our relationship become what it was because all you deserve is to be loved and cherished and I was so blind and selfish I never saw you were suffering, or I didn't want to see at that time._

_I am really sorry._

_It probably sounds fake coming from me, after everything, probably sounds weak to write it when I could tell you directly but I never was the best at talking and letters have always been special to us, haven't they? (They have for me, at least. I still keep all your letters, you know. Even the crumpled pieces of paper we exchanged when we were kids.)_

_I am really sorry and I pray that one day you will forgive me._

_We both became so busy with life and everything. We never properly talked about what we were and it somehow became that way. It was easier. We didn't have much time to meet and when we did all I could think of was how much I wanted you, how much I needed you, how close I wanted to be with you. Instead, it only led us to drift further apart from each other._

_I shouldn't look for excuses because I have none for how I treated you but I feel like I was owning you an explanation. I should have done better. I should have been there more often. I shouldn't have put my pleasure over you. I shouldn't have kept you waiting when I couldn't give you what you wanted._

_When you said we were over, you can't imagine how angry and relieved I was. I was angry because I fucked up really big, because I was loosing you and I deserved it but I was relieved you were putting an end to this situation I wasn't able to stop. I'm such a coward Jongin. A coward and a bastard._

_It was so convenient to meet once in a while, to kiss you hard and then leave. We didn't have to deal with feelings. You were mine and I liked it. But the lack of conversations, of time spending together that I thought I could fill up with passion became something I didn't even think about anymore._

_I am so sorry Jongin. I really am._

_I hope you're doing well, that you're happy. (You don't know how much it pains me to write this, thinking it used to be me that made you happy.)_

_I hope we can meet again someday, any day. I can only ask you to write back, to accept a meeting but I won't be disappointed if you refuse or if this letter remains unanswered. I re-read your last letter the other day (the one you send after our second meeting) and it was so beautiful, so full of hopes and expectations that it hurts me to end our mail with such a shameful letter but I can only blame myself._

_Despite all the pain I put you through, please believe that I always loved you and will always do. I will always feel lucky and honored to have met such an amazing person and had the chance to share a part of your life._

_I bid you goodbye maybe too late and too messily but you know how clumsy I am._

_Twenty years ago I promised you I will always write to you from everywhere I would be, but this once I wish you could do the same._

_I love you,_

_Sehun."_

Jongin is shaking slightly when he puts back the letter on his desk. He knows he shouldn't be affected. He should ignore it and throw it away. Unfortunately, he can't. He resists the urge to write back immediately, to run to go back to him, to meet him again after years of silence. He tries to decide what is the best to do; if he should indeed forgive him or not because a letter can't make up for years of suffering. However, Sehun's honest words are the first ones in years and they make him feel immensely happy.

 

–

 

The cafe is small and almost empty. Jongin chose a neutral place where they can chat freely but won't have to face the darkness of his apartment. They agreed to meet in late afternoon, after they are both done with work. Jongin realizes how much of a bad idea it is as he spends the day trembling and unable to concentrate on anything.

He notices Sehun even before he enters. His long figure catches his eyes as he is walking past the cafe and Jongin has to swallow to try to control the lump forming in his throat. He hasn't changed a bit; he still looks so beautiful Jongin has a hard time controlling the familiar racing of his heart.

"Hey," Sehun says when he enters, eyes traveling around for a few seconds before stopping on Jongin. Jongin greets back as Sehun sits carefully in front of him. "Have you been well?" He asks next, probably to try to get rid of the awkwardness surrounding them. Jongin wants to retort that it is a stupid and meaningless question to ask but it is the first time he asks in years, so instead he shuts up. 

"Fine. And you? You look tired." Jongin states, taking notice of Sehun's dark circles and how he seems paler than ever.

He smirks, eyes avoiding Jongin's and focusing on his hands instead. "I've been okay. I'm a bit tired because of work and everything but I'm happy to be here, if this is what you're asking." His eyes shoots up to look at him and they twinkle a bit. "I didn't think you would accept to meet honestly."

"I wasn't going to. But then I thought that we might not have another chance, so I did," Jongin mutters, suddenly feeling shy in front of Sehun. "I was really surprised when I received your letter. It took me a few days to decide what I should do." Jongin wants to say he is thankful Sehun wrote to tell him his feelings but he can't bring himself to. They haven't properly talk in years and he isn't sure he still knows the person Sehun is.

Sehun sighs, "I'm really sorry, Jongin. I'm sorry we ended up this way." Sehun looks at him right in the eyes this time and Jongin shivers.

"I played a part in it too, you know," he confesses, voice barely above a whisper, "I'm really sorry too." A pause. "For everything." Another pause, a longer one, and Sehun waits patiently. "I should have talked to you sooner but I was feeling like hanging into you when you had another life. I mean, you lived far away, you had other friends, other acquaintances and I was the only thing holding you back from moving on," Jongin explains, voice uneven, "I was just feeling so guilty." 

"I wish we could have shared all this years ago," Sehun sounds regretful now, somehow bitter and Jongin agrees. They made an horrible mess of something precious. 

"At least, we finally did," Jongin counters, happy that he got to see Sehun again even if it is in such moment. He takes a good look at his suit, at the way it hugs him in all the right places and makes him look like a man. To Jongin, he will always be that kid who used to write him messy letters full of grammar mistakes. 

"Is it too late?" Sehun asks tentatively, with a hint of shyness in his tone.

"Is it?" Jongin repeats, chuckling. It has been a really long time since they last talked that way, with the coyness of lovers and the mischief of good friends. It spreads butterflies to Jongin's stomach and he wants to reach out to touch him and kiss him and jokes that way all night long.

Sehun seems to think the same but he reasons himself, probably not wanting them to take another wrong path. "I'm working around here now," he informs him, changing the subject, "I got an offer a few months ago and I took it. Because of you." 

Jongin tries to repress his smile but it widens on his own. "Does it mean we will see each other often?" 

"If you want to," Sehun offers and Jongin smiles back. 

 

Jongin thinks they should take things slow. They should be sure of what they want first. They should learn about each other, learn about the things they missed first. They should do things right but even if Jongin is aware of that, he is still the one pushing Sehun against his car as he is about to leave to kiss him, pouring into it years of pain and longing. Sehun responds back as eagerly, hands coming to rest on Jongin's hips like they belong there. They kiss as different people but it feels like they never stopped. Their body still know by heart the places to reach and to tickle. They still fit perfectly together.

They should take things slow and be patient but they waited for each other their whole life and they can't do it anymore. Jongin just hopes they will learn from their mistakes, hopes they will find the happiness they sought for so long and as of now, there is no reason they won't. They are together again and rejoicing, they are looking at the upcoming difficulties and future challenges with the eyes of optimism.


End file.
